If you suffer from depression or have in the past, you understand how scary it can be to reach out for help.  When I look back at my own experiences, I can identify behaviors that were really helpful for me and ones that were extremely hurtful. 

While some people encouraged me and gave me a boost of hope, others frustrated me, angered me, and even seriously scarred me…definitely not a good look. So in an effort to help others potentially avoid some of what I went through, I’ve created this list of crucial do’s and don’ts.

If you’re reading this and are in the middle of a depressive episode, hopefully this is something you can share with others. If you’re reading and you have a close friend or loved one who is suffering, take note!

So let’s get started…

Do: Show Empathy and Listen

I think most people agree that it’s important to be empathetic, but sometimes people have trouble actually demonstrating it. 

If a depressed person opens up and tells you how they’re feeling, it’s important to understand that it took a lot of courage for them to be vulnerable. Ask questions to let them know you’re listening and are trying to understand how they feel.

If they say “I’ve been feeling really sad and hopeless lately,” ask them how long they’ve been feeling that way and what they think brought it on.  If you’re speaking face to face, be attentive and show concern. 

Despite whatever judgments or biases you may have, it’s important to give your friend or family member the momentary space to be heard and understood when they come to you.

It takes a good deal of selflessness, patience, and maybe even restraint, but you’d want someone to do the same for you. Mark 12:31 says “Love your neighbor as yourself” which translated into a word means empathize.

Don’t: Dismiss their feelings or compare them to anyone else

Avoid saying anything or showing any body language that would indicate an invalidation of their feelings.

Saying things like “We all go through things” or “You need to get over it” or “This is small stuff” can trivialize what someone is going through.

And while done with good intention, sometimes one of the worst ways to empathize with someone is by telling them “I understand how you feel.”  You may not actually know how they feel, especially if you know you haven’t been exactly where they’ve been, so don’t say it unless you’re absolutely sure you understand completely.

If the person truly feels like you can relate to what they’re going through, chances are they’ll probably express that to you without any provocation.

And definitely don’t dismiss their feelings by offering unsolicited examples of how you or others went through “worse.”

Helping someone should not be about ranking experiences or pain because it’s impossible to gauge a person’s internal experience. Understand that you don’t actually know how deep someone’s pain actually is.

I think sometimes there’s a fine line between showing understanding and being dismissive, but ultimately you’ll have to use your discernment. Just be careful!

And remember: It’s not what you say, but how you say it.

Do: Set Healthy Boundaries

Everybody is going through something and dealing with their own stuff, so it’s super important to set boundaries. 

If you’re having a difficult time managing your own emotions, or you’re stressed out with taking care of kids, it’s ok to let your friend know that you need space to sort out some of your own issues and you don’t have much emotional capacity. 

And it’s definitely okay to let them know your availability.  If you’re not available on Sundays or after 7pm on weekdays, let them know that.

Set the boundary that you’re not at their beck and call, especially if you feel like they’re monopolizing your time and energy.

You want to make it clear that you care about and want to support your friend, but you also have to make sure your oxygen mask is on properly first.

Don’t: Tell them they’re draining, annoying, or taxing

Always remember the golden rule: Treat others the way you want to be treated. 

It’s extremely hurtful to say something like this to an already hurting person.  You never truly know what someone is going through, so treat people with kindness. 

If you’ve set proper boundaries with your friend, there’s no reason to feel drained, annoyed, or taxed by them. 

If you don’t have the capacity or ability to help them, tell them that in a compassionate way and let them know what capacity you are able to help them.

If you see they’re having a really hard time managing their emotions and life circumstances, suggest they get professional help.  You don’t want anyone to develop a fear of reaching out to people.

That could end up being very dangerous.

Do: Create fun memories with them

Friendships are supposed to be full of fun and joy and a source of happiness in a person’s life. If you know a friend who is depressed, encourage them to do something fun with you. It could be something as simple as playing a virtual group trivia game or watching a movie through Zoom.

Send them a video or meme that you know will make them laugh. Be creative and keep it fun.

It’ll probably raise your spirits if you’ve been feeling down too.

Don’t: Forget about them

If someone has opened up and disclosed to you that they’re depressed or you have reason to believe they are but they haven’t told you, don’t fade away in silence for weeks or months. 

You don’t have to obsessively check on them, but it’s a good idea to stay positively engaged with your friend or family member.

This lets them know you’re thoughtful and you care, which can make all the difference in the world.

When people know that they’re cared about, it gives them hope.

Do: Offer resources for help  

If you come across a highly rated book, app, or focus group you think may be helpful for your friend or family member, share it!

Information is power and by offering suggestions, you’re empowering them to take an active role in the creation of their own happiness. 

It might even be a good idea to schedule a time with them to browse mental health sites like the Anxiety and Depression Association of America. And it’s always a good idea to suggest they seek professional help. 

If you see they have low motivation, offer to help them locate a professional.

Let them know you’re open to learning more and finding the right tools to help them while they’re in therapy.

Don’t: Assume the role of their therapist

The last thing you want to do is steer your friend or family member in the wrong direction by taking on an inappropriate role in their life.

As a friend or family member, your job is to be supportive, but you can’t support your loved one in the capacity that a professional can.

Don’t assume that you know what is healthy or not healthy.

Don’t diagnose someone with a disorder, and never dissuade someone from seeking professional help because you’re uncomfortable with the idea that they may have a mental illness and you don’t want to believe it’s true. You can seriously hurt someone like this, and it’s dangerous.

Make plans to go to therapy with them.

I’m sure there are more Do’s and Don’ts I’m leaving out, but these four were the major ones that came to my mind…

Please let me know what you think in the comments below!

Sincerely,

Alexia