Have you ever heard anyone say “I don’t cry when I get sad.  I cry when I get mad.”? 

Chances are that person experienced some injustice (real or perceived) that was completely outside of their control. And it immediately provoked anger.  But then that anger quickly intensified and turned into despair as the emotional wound set in.

Anger is often an unfortunate result of trauma, and it usually accompanies anxiety and depression. They all seem to work together like separate gears in a clock to keep your misery functioning. 

Yet sometimes, it seems like anger is a gateway emotion to other negative emotions. Or at least perpetuates them when they arise.

If anxiety and depression is the fire, then anger is the gasoline.

If we could just learn how to stop fueling the flames, or even better, find a water hose of a remedy, then I think we’d all be much better off. 

But how do you do that? That’s the million dollar question.

Here’s my take on it:

1) Address and assess the source of your anger head-on.

If you got a chance to read my story, then you’d know I found myself in the mental ward of the hospital for a while back in 2009 for a severe depressive episode.  That was absolutely the worst time of my life. And the anger that came along with that was off the charts. 

I’d suffered a tremendous trauma in grad school, and a part of processing that involved a great deal of blaming and rage.

I blamed my family and was angry at them for things.  I blamed my friends at the time and was angry at them for not being there for me or making me feel worse.  I was angry at God for a while for dealing me what seemed to be such a bad and painful hand. 

And then I was angry at myself for not being smarter, and not avoiding certain dangers.

Every time I cried,  a part of me was angry.  Every night I couldn’t sleep due to anxiety, I was angry.   Every time I held a prescription pill in my hand and thought about why I had to take it, I was angry. 

I was angry because I was severely anxious and depressed. Sometimes the anger would spark a depressive episode or come after a panic attack, leading to a depressive episode.  It was a really vicious cycle.

Looking back, what I needed to do was write about my anger daily.  I needed to journal, auto-write, or write angry letters to people that would never get sent. I needed to do something healthy to address and assess the anger. 

Letting anger fester inside has dire consequences. You’re more prone to fights (physical or verbal) or other retaliatory actions.

 I was known to engage in screaming matches in the past, and I’ve cussed a few people out. I even told one of my grad school professors off…definitely not proud of it, but that’s the emotional state I was in.

 I once became so angry at my mother that I wrote a negative post about her on Facebook (on Mother’s Day), enraging my entire family and some of my friends.  I did that over 5 years ago, and I still wake up with intense guilt and shame to this day.

Once you decide to do or say something out of anger, you can’t take it back.  It’s eternally in the atmosphere. And your situation becomes worse.

Ephesians 4:26 says,” ‘Be angry, and do not sin’: do not let the sun go down on your wrath.”  There’s nothing wrong with being angry. But it’s not healthy to let anger control your entire life or cause you to hurt people.

If you find yourself giving a good chunk of your day to anger, or you’re lashing out, you need to carve out some time daily to process your anger. 

Maybe anger journaling – where you list or write about everything that made you angry that day- can be a part of your nighttime routine.

2) Physically process the anger

Just like with other emotions, when you get angry, physiological changes occur in your body. The depiction of this physiological change is with the Incredible Hulk.  We get a surge of adrenaline throughout our bodies, our blood pressure goes up, and our heart rate speeds up. 

This is similar to what happens to us when we’re in an anxious fight-or-flight mode.

Basically your body gears up in preparation for a physical fight. 

While it’s obviously not healthy to punch someone in the face (no matter how bad you want to), you can punch a pillow if you’re at home. If you’re at work and you get triggered, you can go for a walk to get moving.

Or take a break and do some deep breathing to calm down and balance yourself.

Incorporating exercise into your daily routine is essential for many reasons, but when it comes to dealing with anger, it’s great because it burns adrenaline.

3) Practice Forgiveness

What lies behind anger is usually another person if not a situation itself.  And there’s usually a great deal of hurt associated with the anger.

 The greater the perceived offense and the more distress and pain caused, the harder it is to forgive.

But in the words of Iyanla Vanzant, the first step to healing is to “forgive everyone for everything.” She actually outlines her method for doing this very well in her appropriately titled book, Forgiveness: 21 Days to Forgive Everyone for Everything

 In Matthew 18:21-22, Peter came to Jesus and asked Him “Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Up to seven times?”  Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven.” 

And he meant 70 times 7 per day.  That’s 490 times! Why?  Because Lord knows that forgiving is a difficult thing to do!

But when you focus on forgiveness, you gain peace and acceptance for a wrong that you know you can never change. 

You also open the door for empathy and understanding towards the person who wronged you because let’s be honest:  You’ve done things to hurt and anger people.  You’re not innocent.  You need to be forgiven for some things too. 

Anytime I find myself getting angry, I just think about 5 times I hurt someone else.

And I think about this phrase: “Too often we want mercy for ourselves and justice for others.”

You’ll never be able to forget what happened to you, but you can look at people differently so that they don’t always trigger such strong negative feelings in you.

You may or may not choose to continue a relationship with your offender, but offer them the grace of forgiveness. If you’re a spiritual person, pray for them. 

If you’re angry about a situation and not a person, you’ll need to ask God to help you accept the things in your life that have caused you pain. Ask for understanding, and think of ways you can turn the negative into a positive.

4) Go to Therapy or Search for other Self-Help Tools

There are some things that happen in life that are so intense and serious that they may require professional guidance to overcome, as is with the case of child abuse, neglect, molestation, rape, domestic violence, or some other atrocious crime. 

The anger that results from situations like these should not be dealt with alone.

Seeking out a good trauma therapist is probably one of the best things you can do. You may even find books on trauma useful, like my favorite, The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk.   

Other online resources for trauma include:

• The National Child Traumatic Stress Network
• The American Psychological Association and
• The National Institute of Mental Health

If the abuses described above aren’t a part of your story, but you’re having a hard time controlling your anger, it’s still best to see a therapist or get involved in some type of anger management program.

 There are also plenty of practical self-help books on anger you can take advantage of like, Overcoming Destructive Anger: Strategies that Work by Bernard Golden or Unf#@k Your Brain by Faith G. Harper.

Remember, just like other emotions, anger can be dealt with.  It doesn’t have to control your life or worsen your mental health.  

Be well!

Sincerely,

Alexia