Sometimes one of the biggest challenges to overcome in getting treatment for a mental illness is accepting the reality that you have to take medicine. 

There’s something about having to pop a pill daily that just doesn’t sit well with a lot of people. 

The best way to illustrate this is with an interaction I had at the pharmacy a few years ago with a young clerk. When I picked up my meds, the young lady looked at me and said, “You know, I have to take medicine too.  I just started it…It’s just the fact that I even have to take it at all is what bothers me, ya know?” 

I did know. I knew all too well.  

I can’t speak for everyone, because others may not feel this way, but I’ve got to be honest: 

Having to take medicine lowered my confidence and my self-esteem.  It was a source of shame, embarrassment, and humiliation for me.

I felt like the medicine defined me and that any negative mood or visceral response I had was somehow attributed to me not taking my medicine. I felt like I wasn’t allowed to express my emotions or be human.   

From April 2009 up until January of 2020, I had to take medication consistently, sometimes 2  or 3 prescriptions at a time…

Some of the medicines I’ve taken include Lexapro, Zoloft, Celexa, Trazodone, Seroquel, and Ambien.  I was prescribed Xanax at one point, but I never picked it up for fear of becoming addicted.

There might be another I’m forgetting, but there’s one thing I do remember: the struggle every day to accept the fact that yes, I need to take medicine to control my anxiety, depression, and insomnia.

There were times where I’d cut pills in half to reduce the dosage because my doctor said it was ok, and there were other times that I needed to double up. On rare occasions, I’d take 5 or 6 pills because I couldn’t fall asleep, which caused scary heart palpitations, blurred vision, and dizziness.  

It was a roller coaster that I didn’t enjoy riding.

I’d tried on several occasions to sleep without medication, and I often ended up anxiously shaking with stressed eyelids and head tension. The later it got, the more my thoughts spiraled out of control, and the more I catastrophized about what would happen if I didn’t sleep. 

I thought:  Am I going to have a panic attack tomorrow?  Will I get hospitalized again?  What if I lose my job? I prayed about it several times, but it seemed like the more I tried to fall asleep, the more physically painful it became.

I literally couldn’t sleep without medicine.   

 After almost 5 years of being completely dependent on medicine night after night after night to combat insomnia, I threw up my hands and resigned myself to a lifetime of meds.  I reluctantly accepted that I might have to take medicine for anxiety and depression for the rest of my life. 

It was a seriously depressing thought -that for the rest of my life, I’d have to deal with side effects, spending money on expensive psychiatrist visits, going to the pharmacy every 3 months or so. 

Anytime I traveled, I’d have to make sure I had enough of my supply to last the trips.  I’d have to live and plan my life around these little white, oval pills…

But one day,  something inside me changed.  I realized that if I was ever going to be happy, I had to genuinely accept where God had placed me. I had to stop feeling so ashamed about taking medication.

And I had to be thankful there was medicine available to me when I needed it, side effects and all. 

I decided to cut myself some slack.  Like some people who have problems with their hearts or with their kidneys, I had a bit of a problem with my brain.   

I showed myself compassion and understanding. If I fell and broke my leg, I wouldn’t judge myself for having to use crutches. So why would I judge myself for being traumatized, anxious, and depressed?

And then I thought about what the quality of my life would’ve been like without the medication…

Some people don’t like their jobs, but it provides the income they need to pay their bills. I didn’t necessarily like being on medication, but I could sleep at night and function… It would’ve been hard to do both of those things on my own without medication.

I accepted that I would have to take medicine, but I also had faith that I could transition back into a medication-free life with the right tools.  I trusted that if I tried different cognitive strategies and developed an alternative plan with my doctor and therapist, I could step out on faith and attempt to live without medicine at some point in the future.

And if it wasn’t in God’s will for me to live without medicine, I accepted that too!

In 2019, I made the New Year’s resolution to open my heart and read the bible from the very beginning. When I started wrapping my head around God’s sovereignty, the way He works, and how He wants us to honor Him, I prayed my prayer for sleep again.  But this time, I accepted that God’s answer might be No.  I’ve willed for you to take this medication for the rest of your life.

Every night, I’d pour myself a glass of water, put my pill on a napkin next to my bed, follow my therapist’s nighttime routine, and listen to meditation music.  I told myself that if it got to a certain hour and the guided sleep meditation didn’t work, I’d take the medicine. 

The first night I tried this, I gave up and took the medicine. There were several weeks I gave up and took the medicine.

But Hallelujah!  One morning I woke up and looked at my nightstand to see that my pill and water were still sitting there!  There are no words to describe the amount of joy and relief I felt at that moment.

My confidence and hope skyrocketed like you wouldn’t believe. It felt like a true miracle.  I felt free.

I felt like the woman with the issue of blood, who after 12 years of suffering was finally healed.

One night became two nights.  Two nights became two weeks.  Two weeks became a completely natural and lasting circadian rhythm. I still have sleepless nights every once in a while, and sometimes it can be frustrating, but I truly believe my faith carried me over the hump.  

I look ahead, and I only see God giving me more and more peace. I did the work of listening to my therapist and doctor.  But moreover, I trusted God to take me over the finish line when I’d done all I could do. 

I prayed with a truly believing spirit, asked God to clean my heart, and in supplication, I asked Him to remove this medication dependency I’d been struggling with for over 10 years.  And He did.  The only pills I pop now are vitamin and mineral supplements.

If you feel defeated because you have to take medicine, I understand you. 

But understand that medicine is a blessing, not a nuisance or embarrassment,  and have faith that God can change things.  Don’t rush your healing.  Accept where God has placed you in life and develop a plan with your doctor to reduce or eliminate your medication if you both agree that’s the right course of action for you.

Stay strong and know where your help comes from!

Sincerely,

Alexia